tBlog - The Rabbit Hole

The Rabbit Hole

Blog For Free!

Archives
Home
2004 August
2004 January

My Links
Jee's Hell
Elyse's Stuff
Mattymorgs
Bobo's Hole
Saker's Misplaced Heart
DisturbedNympho
Ace is the Place... again?
Konran

tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images

Sponsored
Blog

"Every man is the Hero of his own story."

Passing By

08.15.04 (8:32 pm) [edit]

HAHAHAHA!

Actually I just meant to post a little update. Well... it was actually a pretty large post, but when I went to add a smily face it deleted my entire post. It was a facinating feeling. All those thoughts and messages meant for others lost in the digital aether forever. Still, I will try to make it up.

I was passing by to pick up the blog addresses of a few friends and see how they have been. I miss them and OU and I guess I was feeling a little nostalgic. After I got them I took a moment to read one of my old posts and got a bit of a laugh. I will admit that I was a bit of a manic. I guess I still am to a degree.

How Am I Doing?

Doing well all things considered. I've spent the summer trying to get away from my bad habbits. I've used the time to work out some problems and discover the source of a few others. I realize that I was a bit of a whiner. As I reflect upon that time I guess that I was dealing with a little bit of depression. I still get down at times, but I'm working on it.

Things are going pretty well. Got a car. Got a job. Got bills now. I feel a lot more like an adult than I did before. I will admit that something still feels like it is missing from my life. I'm not a particularly religious man and that may be my problem. I have not faith in a life after death nor any faith in God, Allah, or Vishnu and his posse of Hindu riders. This means that there is not greater meaning min my life. I have no purpose and it is a little disturbing.

Pass, fail, win, lose. These answers all add up to a single number in my great equation.

Zero.

While it may sound like I am moaning again, I'm really just trying to explain. Still, with school on the way and a car in my hands, things are really looking up.

Magic Eighter Ball, what's the word? ---------> All signs point to yes.

Sorry for leaving you all so suddenly back last winter. I don't think my heart was really in it to do a blog. I just liked the attention I got from others. I guess I still do. Thank you all for reading (I say it like someone is actually going to read this) and stopping by. I hope your lives are all going according to plan (though they never really do).

I'm not where I need to be, but I am closer.

WHAT!?!?!

01.27.04 (8:06 am) [edit]

I can no longer add imaged unless I am a blog pro user. *sigh* Guess that means it is about time to close shop.

It's Been a While

01.26.04 (10:53 am) [edit]

I have made it out of the weekend alive. I've been away since Friday, but now I am here and ready to report. First it should be noted that we got a lot of snow. More snow yesterday than Ohio has seen in the last... winter I guess. Still, it was a lot. I guess the temp is up now because it is melting.

The JCON group has come back from Ohayacon. They said it was a blast and that they all want to go back... right now. I'm glad they had fun. Sounds like they all spent a lot of money (the world continues to go round').

I spent the weekend with Brandon, Jason, Earl, and most of the other pre-college life friends that I have. It was good. I need to make a habit of seeing them more. The weekend went pretty well except for Scott's family issue. Scott has had what most would consider less than a pleasant weekend. Friday was his birthday. Scott got into a fight with his girlfriend and there was a big blow out. Had there not been an auto accident in the family the next day, Scott probably would have had to fight a friend over some stuff (it's pretty complicated).

Too boot, the auto accident was also a low point in Scott's weekend. I will discuss it more later. I haven't seen Brandon or the posse in a good four weeks and I'm glad that we chilled. We mostly sat around and watched movies. Played some card games and joked around.

[b]In other news:[/b] Scott’s sister received her license last week. Three days after she got it she was in an auto accident. Alcohol was involved.

[b]Good News:[/b] She lived.

[b]Bad News:[/b] The two girls riding with her were killed. :shock: :(

I didn't know the first girl, but I had spoken to Maggie Tabler before. She and I weren't anything like good friends. I did not even know her well. It is a damn shame that had to die. I get that strange feeling when I think about knowing someone who has died.

I bow my head to a few more souls lost. I'm sorry that it had to be so soon.

Death is a funny thing when it hits moderately close. You don't really feel a sense of loss. Well, you do, but it isn't like the families loss. I don't feel loss for the person. I feel like I have missed something. At the same time, you feel as if you should be doing something. I spent the first part of the night thinking that I should go out at... do something. Too bad there is nothing to be done for it.

I wonder how Scott's sister is handling it. How would you feel knowing that you are almost fully responsible for the death of two of your friends? How much of her future is now going to be affected by this? How does this shape her view on the world?

So now that they are dead I wonder what has become of them. I would like to think that they are in a better place... but I don't. I'm not sure why I want to know that they are still "alive" somewhere. I guess it is hope that you will some day meet them again. Maybe trying to alley the fear that you will some day have to follow them in.

Death is a strange thing. No one wants to die, but we all have to sooner or later. Most of us think of it as the worst eventuality... but it is the only true eventuality. No matter how hard we try, we just can't seem to cheat time (though I am convinced I may just live forever).

Death almost seems like a joke to me. It can't possibly be "bad" because everyone does it. I once discussed how many people I thought had lived on this planet. I would put my guess in the trillions.

[i]Q. [/i]If a trillion people have died, than we do we need to be afraid?

A trillion, a billion, a million. The number makes little difference. Death is the filter that separates us from all those who have been before us. None of us can know what happens after death... or if anything happens for that matter.

I'm not afraid of death. I know that most people say that, but I don't think I am. I don't say it because I am a macho man or because I am trying to hide my own fear. I just don't think I'm afraid. It is something that I would rather avoid. There are a lot of things I would like to do before I die. I can honestly say that I am afraid of the way I will die. I would rather not pass away by stabbing or being burned to death.

[u]Also:[/u] I feel different now. I feel like things have shifted while I wasn't looking. Perhaps it is like trying to keep your footing in on a snowy hill. I'm having a hard time keeping up and I'm not sure why. I also feel more sober have the death of those two girls. Death usually does that to me. I'll probably get over it after the week is over. I'm hoping that when the high school performs services it will pass. I am, however, reminded of what Wolf Larsen ([u]The Sea Wolf[/u]) said about life.

Hump and Larsen are talking about immortality after life. Hum says "What do you believe, then?"

Larsen answers "I believe that life is a mess... It is like yeast, a ferment, a thing that moves and may move for a minute, an hour, a year, or a hundred years, but that in the end will cease to move. The big eat the little that they may continue to move, the strong eat the weak that they may retain their strength. The lucky eat the most and move the longest, that is all. What do you make of those things?"

I guess that just about sums up the thoughts for today.

In the Wake of the Wolf

01.23.04 (4:18 pm) [edit]

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up at 8:20 and was on the move. I studied more for my EE exam and I think I did ok. Not great, but ok. I need to come up with a strategy for this class. I'm not understanding a lot of the material and will have to commit more time to it. After the exam I cam back to my dorm and worked on a few things.

Had lunch after that. The rest of the JCONVICTS are at Ohayacon. So today I was eating alone. Perhaps I need to find an alternative source of friends? I think I need back up honkies for when the regulars are busy.

After lunch I went to calculus class. I understood most of what was going on. I think the prom might even be getting better at speaking English. He still needs to work on understanding.

Thus followed chemistry. The class is still incredibly easy but the CAPA homework just fed my ass to the birds. For those who don't know, CAPA is the electronic homework that some of the science classes assign instead of doing problems. Easy for them to grade.

I had dinner (also alone) and the food was pretty groady. Now here I am.

That was probably the most boring intro I have done. Guess I am at a low point.

[u]In other news:[/u] I finished [u]The Sea Wolf[/u] and was surprised to find it was pretty good. The captain of this ship, Wolf Larsen, has no regard for the life of anyone other than himself. His logic is that there is no god, and that men only put faith in immortality (an after life) to satisfy the instincts of the life in them. He referred to life as a yeasty thing in which moving is living. You must eat others in order to continue moving. The belly is maintained by life, and life by the belly.

Wolf Larsen would kill and steal feeling that he was morally justified. Doing anything that would lessen his position would be a violation of his own code. I find it more than ironic that this brute of a man, so defined by his physicality as he was, eventually went blind. After the blindness, he became paralyzed and slowly wasted away for days.

I find that, despite the monstrous actions of Larsen, I felt sorry for him for his plight. Even has he continued to try to kill the protagonist I did feel a pity for him. I guess I can relate to his ideals. While I tend not to pilfer and enslave people, his logic was almost flawless. Even the author failed to (at least I think) prove that his outlook on life was incorrect. While it is impossible to prove that morals are/are not real. In philosophy it is sometimes difficult to define what is real.

I don't know what waits for me after I die. I have thought, for a while now, that I would blink out of existence and that would be the end of it. I find think that the person is no more than the sum of its parts. When the brain goes, I will go. I haven't been afraid of not existing for a while. What is there to fear? If I don't exist, how can I suffer for it?

Another Piece of Me Gone

01.22.04 (10:52 am) [edit]

That's right. Today I have lost yet another priceless part of who a I am. More precious than diamonds to me, and irreplaceable if ever lost. Today...

I chipped a tooth! That's right. I'm moaning because I lost a piece of a tooth and to add insult to injury, I chipped it during lunch on some ice cream.

[i]Q.[/i] WHO THE HELL CHIPS A TOOTH ON ICE CREAM?

[i]A.[/i] *Sigh* I do...

They day started off well enough. My alarm sounded and I turned it off and went back to sleep. When I did finally wake up (late for class) I almost didn't go to 9 a.m. philosophy. I always have to get in my daily injection of human thought.

After that I did two hours of EE lab. It was a lot of fun, but so time consuming. Then followed lunch. The tooth breaking occurred there and now I am with some friends.

[u]In other News:[/u] Check this out.

[image]madhatter_11067697 99.jpg[/image]

This is what my bad ass space ship is going to look like while I'm blowing up things. It just doesn't get much cooler than that. :P

I feel like I could blow up the whole freaking universe with it.

In philosophy today we are now discussing Kant. Kant was some guy who believed that consequences (the basis for most of utilitarianism) having nothing to do with what is moral. The moral action is derived, not from experience, but from reason. You have to reason what is right and wrong using logic.

Yeah. I know. I'm having troubling getting my head wrapped around it to. So lets have a go at it from another direction.
[u]
Example:[/u] All the ravens are black.

This sentence is saying something that cannot actually be proven. Although it is general knowledge that a raven is black, it is possible that you will someday see a blue, purple, rainbow, gold, or sherbet covered raven. While this is unlikely, we can never go out and find all the ravens in order to prove it. This is an example of an empirical statement. We would only be able to find the answer by going out and viewing ravens. While we may see enough to believe that all ravens are black, we can never actually say (with factual support) that they are all black.

[u]Example:[/u] All the bachelors are not married.

This sentence is stating something that is, by definition, true. So it is said that any person who is married is not a bachelor and any person who is a bachelor is not married. To be anything else would be untrue. This is a perfect example of a rational statement. We do not base our conclusion on evidence, we base it on logic.

[u]Example:[/u] Let us say that here is a town. In this town there lives a barber. This barber shaves only the people who do not shave themselves. Does the barber shave himself?

If the barber shaved himself, then he would not because he would be contradicting himself. He would no longer shave everyone that did not shave themselves. At the same time; if the barber did not shave himself, then he would shave himself. To not shave himself would also be a contradiction and he would no longer shave all those that did not shave themselves. This is another example of a rational question.

I'm not sure exactly how this line of reasoning is going to apply to dealing with real life problems, but as a fan of reason, I am compelled to learn. I'll give you an update when I figure it out.

Which Final Fantasy (IV-X) Character are you?

by steevi

[u]In other news:[/u] I think it was yesterday that Saker said to me "you know, every thought you have ever had has been thought before" or something like that. I would be lying if I said that I had never thought of that before (perhaps evidence for his argument) but I was inclined to play devils advocate. Now I cannot tell you how many humans have lived on this planet. Currently there are supposed to be 6-7 billion people taking up space. Still, given the rate at which people are born and die I feel safe in the assumption that trillions of people have existed since the dawn of mankind. Possibly more. :roll:

I countered his argument saying that there were six billion people on the planet and that the odds are every once in a while one of us comes up on a new thought. He responded saying that he thinks it would make it much less likely that there would be a new thought. I then argued that any idea that deviates from all others even slightly is a different idea. He claimed that all concepts of vague similarity count as one idea. While this is debatable I now want to dust this topic off.

The last time I thought about this I was probably 13, and before that I discussed it with my father when I was younger. Odds are every thought that anyone has these days has been thought/done before. If this is the case, then what is the point in exploring the arts of philosophy and literature? Even when we do have new thoughts, that means that the thought drummed up is no longer up for grabs.

At the same time, I am compelled to argue that if there were no new thoughts, then nothing new would ever be invented. Back in 1920 it was possible that no one had ever thought of anything even associated with the computer. So I guess here is where my fragment of hope glimmers. We may well be done with new thoughts about movies (a shame as most of today’s movies are really bad :x) there are new fields with which we can harvest new ideas. I also think it is important to note that old ideas to someone else are still new ideas to you. Someone somewhere is still getting to experience the old cliché for the first time. And it's still new to them. Guess I figured this one out. How is that for a change of pace? 8)

Also: I find that I spend my time with a lot of Atheists these days. That's fine. I myself no longer believe in god or any such higher power. I used to be a pretty stolid Christian. There was even a time that I whole heartedly (and half blindly) followed the faith.

I lost my faith in god when I was 9. Might have been earlier but I cannot remember for sure. Guess that is quite an age to stop believing in eternal salvation. This is a large part of the reason why I do not have a solid stand on politics, religion, philosophy, and my personal life. If there is no god (as I see it) then why is anything wrong? If I'm not going to hell for my "sins" then why should I fear anything other than the law? I guess it is a good thing that I was educated about chivalry at a young age. I could have been a cold blooded killer if not.

Who knows? I may still be some day.

So this has left me creating my own system of justice from the basic things that I have to feel are important. It is hard to feel they are important when I cannot prove they are important (no all powerful deity helping me out here) so it has been a slow process. I have to break it down using reason. If you have been paying any attention to the last few posts, you'll see what I have come up with so far.

Last: Actually. I think all that I need to say has been said. Maybe some day I will talk about gays in the army or something else controversial like that, but today is not [i]that[/i] day.

Let me leave you with a quote.

"I'm only laughing on the outside. My smile is just skin deep. If you could see inside I'm really crying. You might join me for a weep."

-The Joker

Conquering the World

01.21.04 (10:23 am) [edit]

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Damn... Now that just sucks. Guess I can take my mind off the hurting, but can't take the hurting off my mind. That sounded somewhat cliché for some reason. Oh well. Anywho. I guess that will leave me with a little bit... nope. Just a quiz. I'll let it pass.

I would however like to discuss my plans for life. I know that plans very often do not turn out the way you want them to. If they do, then they either aren't good plans, or you're very lucky. Whatever the case may be this is it:

Age 0-10: [i]At this stage I really just wanted to get reading down. Basic communication skills are a must and bladder control would be nice. So far, so good[/i]. 8)

Age 10-15: [i]At this point would (ideally) have been reading, writing, and doing math with the best 7th graders around. I still haven't written my first concerto and I'm not fluent in 3 languages. SO? [/i]

Age 15-20: [i]This is the point of my life that is currently closing. My goals by 20 are to be well on my way to a degree in engineering while I begin to construct my power base and open a network of allies to assist me in the future. This is the part where it starts getting evil.[/i] :twisted:

Age 20-30: [i]This is the most important stage of my development. Here I will build a robot with super intelligence and super allegiance to me. The robot will, in turn, build other robots who will then construct my space ship. I will then fly around the solar system being all bad ass and super fly. I'll be a space pirate and hold the earth hostage. Also, I will look like this:[/i]

[image]madhatter_92422044 6.jpg[/image]

I am such a sexy man. Little ambiguous, but sexy non the less.

[i]This done I will begin [u]OPERATION EARTHSPANK![/u] and contact the leaders of earth. They will send me all the supplies I need in order to finish my research and send me tons and tons of hot women. If not I will use my ship to blow up the white house and all that stuff. If I get to it I will also fix the holes in the ozone layer. A healthy planet is a happy planet (UNDER MY RULE!!!!!!:D) [/i]

Age 30-40: [i]Now that I have my women and my ship I will begin searching for the key to eternal youth and eternal life. No point in me doin' all that I am if I can't enjoy it a while. At the same time I will be sifting through women looking for the perfect one. The rest will be sent back to earth while I keep the o so special someone as my kinky space bride (unless she wants to go back). [/i]

Age 40-50: [i]With eternal youth in my hands and a strong women by my side I am now free to build my own empire. That being the case I will have my robots start constructing a base on the moon with which to build more ships. [/i]

Age 50-1020: [i]RULE EVERYONE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.[/i]

That is about the way the plan should go. If anyone has any questions let me know... and don't tell the government.

[u]In other news[/u]: Things seem to be going well on the surface. I woke up today and took my philosophy quiz. I think I owned it. After that was EE101 and I think that class me own me. Got 0/10 for my first homework assignment and I think I got 4/10 for the second one. This is supposed to be my major too. :shock:

[u]Also[/u]: Here is something I should probably cover. Abortion seems to be a huge controversy in America these days. Pro choice vs. Pro life. I used to be pretty firmly planted on pro choice. My view on a person's individual rights is that they should be strong and that a person should have authority over what they do with their body.

Recently I have found that I have paused. I am between the sway of the pendulum and do not know which way to go. You see, I was informed of some of the ways that abortion is practiced. So now my philosophy comes into direct conflict with itself.

On the one hand; I think that a person's body is there person place. A temple that no one can intrude upon without the strict permission of the owner.

On the other hand; Cracking open the skull of a child so that you can suck it's brains out after inducing labor kind of makes me sick. Not to mention that such an action directly violates my principles as far as the individual rights of the child are concerned. So now here I stand.

[u]Scenario:[/u]

John has decided to have sexual relations during his freshman year of college. Now one day we are getting it on and the condom breaks. No big, until I find out that she is pregnant a month later. So here comes the problem. Both she and I are in college and having a child would severely impair if not destroy our careers. Add to this that we may not be serious about our feelings and may bring a child into a complicated broken family from the start. While it is her body, and ultimately her decision (though I should get an input as the father) what would I do?

Ouch. That is a hard one... This child would be a creation of my own flesh and blood. The product of my irresponsible actions and my affections for another. Could I throw away my immediate successful future in order to keep this child?

Let us hope I never have to make that choice.

Things are looking up. I've forced my mood into ascension. I think it may be a rare talent I have. That being the case, I think maybe I do love the sorrow I feel on those dark days. There is something so intoxicating about being that suffering soul. I guess having my wings broken, as the case may be, is something I am really attracted to. Being the depressed one means that I can be the center of attention.

"John, why are you so sad?"

I guess self pity is a pleasure in itself. Despite that, the day is half way done and I think I am better for it. I'm having one of those moments, as I sometimes do, where I can see myself from another’s point of view and plot out those things I don't like about me. This sounds morbid as I say it, but it isn't really. I think of it more as a curtsey to others. Those little things that I do, but need not do.

[u]Last:[/u] In the end, it really is all about me, at least as far as I am concerned. For those who are reading, it is really all about you. You visit for now, but your thoughts will turn to your business. It is something completely natural. Human vanity is expressed in everything we do. We (or at least I) do not read books because I want to read about someone else. I read them because I want to be that person. I want to do those glorious things that are sung about down the streets of castles. Even in the stories that we do not want to emulate, we still relate to them as fellow humans. We oppose the villain just the same, because he is the bad guy.

To the left you will see that I have placed a quote about heroes. Maybe I should take the time to think about why the villian does what he does. What makes his actions evil, while the man trying to kill him (the hero) is good. Perhaps the line between hero and villian is not so squarely drawn as I had assumed.

Lets say I actually did conquer the earth, but for the purpose of making it all just. I would use my values in order to set the rules of all under my control. From what you have read so far, would that make me a savior?

The End of Something Old

01.20.04 (8:45 pm) [edit]

I've been thinking about things recently and I find that I have been doing a whole lot of complaining. While that may very well be the purpose of a blog (this is debatable) I've decided that the complaining is going to stop... for the most part. I'm not sure what malaise has come over me, but it is going to end here.

[u]It is time for something new[/u]: Lets kick it off with a quiz... or five.

I'm just watching a bad dream I'd never wake up from.

Find out what anime bad boy you are.

Cutest little dragon master.

Find out what anime girl you are.

Kickin' Ass

Find out what anime character cliche you are.

Power-Pole Extend!
What's Your Anime Weapon?

POWER POLE?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL?

Anyway. I matched most of what Bobo actually got. That is both an interesting and terrifying thing. Anyway. That is about the sum of that.

[u]In others news[/u]: Today was a pretty good day. Went to my classes and they were pretty cool. I have also become really interested in by the book [u]The Sea Wolf[/u]. Spent the rest of the day with the JCON crew.

We went to ping and I think I hurt myself doing something. I'll sleep on it and if I am paralyzed from the waist down in the morning, I get to skip classes. Ace went with us for a change. To be honest he kind of kicked the crap out of me as far as running goes. Granted I wasn't feeling so hot, but that doesn't make what I saw today analysis impressive. I'm pretty sure he would have out done me even in good conditions. Guess I deserved that.

[b]KUDOS TO ACE AND HIS CASUAL JOGGING STYLE[/b]

[u]Also[/u]: I was watching this music video by The Calling. It's called "Adrienne" and the lead singer is standing in the middle of this parking lot singing into his mike. There is a line of people that extends out into the horizon. Opposite of the lead the lines front can be seen and they seem to be singing the same words back to him. Every once in a while the next person in line will push the guy on the mike out of the way and start taking his turn singing to the lead as the lead sings back. So my question is: WHAT THE HELL?

[i]Q[/i]. I am very sure that someone had to come up with a reason for why this music video was plotted this way. The director had to have a conscious idea in mind. So what was it?

The lead seemed to be singing about a girl that dated him and then used him; maybe even more than once. So maybe this line represents all of the people that have been used and are getting a chance to speak their anger? This is something I'm going to think on more.

[u]Last[/u]: In my last log I wanted to speak about equality. Here is equality as I see it:

Equality is treating everyone in such a manor that they are content with their lives. Not so much content that others are unhappy, but content to the degree that their happiness is not harming someone else's happiness. I guess it is the ability to pursue a live filled with pleasure and without any pain.

Guess I'm the last one out...

01.19.04 (8:17 pm) [edit]

Fist of all, Martin Luther King Jr. Day is wrapping up. Kudos to him for his sacrifices in the name of civil rights. Speaking of which, equality is something I want to talk about later.

Today was good stuff. I woke up about three minutes shy of noon. I spent most of the day in my dorm reading and doing the things that I don't have much time for. I wanted to play video games for a second, but then lost interest. I like having ME time for one simple reason.

Me time is all about ME.

That's probably the same reason that I like this blog. When all is said and done, it is all about me and no one else unless I say. Perhaps I am exerting some control issues over the internet? Very possible. :twisted:

In the afternoon I went to Ace and Jee's room so that we could go out to dinner. I'm glad to see that things have calmed down from last night. Jee was holding some aggression towards Ace and Chris, I was holding some aggression towards Saker (frustration may be more correct), Christ had some Aggression for Jee and it was all around an unpretty sight. Luckily people do not change quite so easily. No friendships jumped their orbit last night.

Dinner went well. The Posse (Jee, Ace, Gina, Diana, Saker, Ashley, Chris, and myself) was present and we had a pretty good time. The waitress was less than adequate though some of the others may disagree. The waitress (we will call her Aggy because I can't remember her real name) was polite and well spoken. She did however neglect the table for large periods of time and forget things that we ordered. Chris thought that Aggy did a terrible job. Saker and Ace thought that she did an pretty good job or just didn't care. Had I been given the choice... I probably wouldn't have tipped her. I think that a person should work to the best of their ability to fulfill their job. Then again, I guess this is something I have followed with minor reserve. Perhaps it is not my place to judge, but when my money is involved I expect more effort.

[u]In other news[/u]: Saker and I are getting along better... I think. I guess I am not really sure. I'm not sure what I am looking for these days. I don't really know where I am going, or with who I would like to go. I'm not sure what I am seeking in the people I surround myself with. I would like it to involve my list of rules, but in order for that to happen they would all have to be me (cloning is not out of the question at this date). I'm not sure I would like spending all of my time with myself. So I guess I'll get over it for now and just shut up.

[u]Also[/u]: I would also like to open up the topic of heroes again. As you all should know at this point, I have certain adoration for the hero.

[image]madhatter_79899687 6.jpg[/image]

I have a great admiration for Cowboy Bebop. Not really an obsession, but definitely a special place for it. For some reason this is the sort of art that spoke to me. Guess I am really roped in by the drama. Anyway, Spike (as shown in the picture above) is the man. There is something so... (moving, tragic, erotic, must find the right word!!!!!) about his journey from beginning to end. What really fascinates me though is the way his end came.

[b]WARNING!!!! INCOMING SPOILER WARNING!!!![/b]

[i]If you do not want to know the end of
Cowboy Bebop do not read the next
paragraph. Please skip to the first
question instead.[/i]

Spike had lost the love of his life for the final time. He had nowhere to go. Instead of leaving the scene and trying his hand at a different life (again) he says goodbye to his remaining friends and takes on his foe. The battle is the climactic end to the show is concluded with both their deaths.

I am always fascinated by this. Spike had the chance to resume a normal life but chose to go to a place he was almost certain he would die. Spike wasn't really a hero. He was a normal guy trying to live his life and make it through with his principals intact. Still, I am both saddened and amazed that he would do this.

[i]Q[/i]. But John, Spike is a fictional character from a cartoon that took place in a fictional world. How is it that what happened to him (something that can never really happen) be so important to you? Are you that disillusioned?

[i]A[/i]. No. The cartoon itself is not the point. It is the ideal that makes me ponder. That is what a hero is once you breakdown his past and character flaws. A hero is the belief that something should be done for the good of himself (and others) against overwhelming odds. Guess I am just a romantic at heart. :roll:

[u]Last[/u]: When I was younger I used to label myself as the watcher. I would think of myself as the last one to leave the room. I am the guy who turns off the lights after the party is over. This may be the root of why I feel like I have been left behind. It could also just be a symptom of other issues. For some reason I feel like I am (or will be) the guy that cleans up after everyone else is gone. I am the one who will bury the rest. I wonder when the friends I have will leave. When is it that I will part company with those I like and forget them? Maybe this feeling comes from my isolated behavior. I have friends but I often think of myself as different. I don't feel real like anyone else.

Describing it is a pain in the ass. The best way I can explain it is that I think maybe I see everyone else around me and think "Wow. Look how many adults there are. How did I get here." Then I think "Wow, what is a kid like me doing with all of these adults." It feels like I am not as real as anyone else. I'm not sad about it. I just am. I'm not sure how all this ties in, but it is more input for the machine.

I'm coming to realize that I have a lot of problems that I need to square away.

Maybe I'll just ignore them until they really start biting me on the ass.

I'm watching the Stars

01.19.04 (12:58 am) [edit]

Congratulations! You're Faramir!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What more can be said? I'm a bad mambajamba and you know this cannot be denied. So you had better watch your asses from here on in. Faramir is coming to make your lives a whole lot more complicated... before my dad sets me on fire and shit.

Today was pretty good. I got up and had a solid brunch with the posse. After that I spent a whole lot of time in Jee and Ace's room messing with Ace's computer and downloading things. We went out to the Ping Center again (ping is the place at OU where we all go to get our daily injection of exercise). Ace cancelled on us again, but Jee has taped him promising us that he will go the next time around. Guess that is the way of it.

We got together later in the night and watched pirates of the Caribbean together. After that I wrestled around with them for a little while. I'm feeling pretty good these days. While squaring off with a gimpy RPG fanatic isn't really the challenge I am looking for in a good round of horse play, most were convinced that she would kick my ass. No individual can ever say what would have been. She may have made me cry, she may not. I still did appreciated the fun.

Saker has gotten my attention for the first time. While I have not really taken the time to try and get a good idea of his personality before, perhaps I should set aside some for the task now. I spoke to him in a perfectly serious tone today and he did not once respond to me in a serious manor. I was a bit disappointed, as well as mad. I do not like being disrespected. As a matter o' fact; I believe that may even be on my list (posted in the previous blog). Reflecting on our previous conversations I do remember him saying things that were both intelligent and relevant (THAT RHYMES!). At the same time they also came in between much larger portions of sarcastic wit.

The only time he has ceased to joke around (at least the one I have noted) was today when we went to the Universe of Superheroes (a comic book shop). Ashley recently informed me of a girl who tried to sever the relationship between she and Saker. Saker stopped talking for a while after that. He did mention that he had not wanted any of us to know about said interloper. He didn't say much else.

[i]Q[/i]. What should I do about it?

[i]A[/i]. Nothing. People are who they are and it is neither my place nor purpose to change them. While I have failed to take note of this trait before I will not make the same mistake twice. I guess I have to change my expectations a little bit.

In all honesty I cannot really blame him. I've had very few friends in the past who I could seriously talk to. As I suspect many others could say; these significant few could be counted on one hand. While this doesn't mean that Saker is incapable of serious conversation it does raise an interesting point.

[i]Q[/i]. How many friends have I had who seek nothing greater than the entertainment of the moment?

[i]A[/i]. All of them minus 4.

I don't want to paint a dreary picture of the company I keep. They are not careless or selfish (most of them) and are good people. We just do not talk about anything that does not have serious merit.

Perhaps I am a bit too rash? I can think of a few good conversations involving politics and other and other mature content. Before I give you all in image of me imprisoned behind a shield of careless people I should reanalyze the situation. This JCON crew is a pretty superior blend. :oops:

[u]In other news[/u]: I have been in a strange place since the end of winter break. Over the break I met a girl. She seemed nice enough, though she did have a few bad habits. She and I had several encounters, some of which were of a sexual nature. Exactly what happened is not really the point of the conversation so much as the result. After the last one I felt bad. I was nervous and jumpy. I was even disturbed by the incident. Nothing truly terrifying happened over the course of the last date, but it left me in a hollow sort of disgust. So this is the quandary.

[i]Q[/i]. Why does the act of sex or anything akin to it make me feel... disgusted? Why is it that something which should be by all rights a perfectly natural thing leave me in a such an uncomfortable place?

This was by no means my first encounter on such a date, but it was the first one to terrify me. As if my own body is in an argument over what to do. I would love to have a girlfriend, but why would I if this is the eventual result. This was a one time thing (so far), but such a strong one that it must be noted. Perhaps it was just the girl. Maybe I was getting a bad vibe from her and didn't know it? :? Who knows? I'm sure Faramir wouldn’t stand for this crap.

[u]Also[/u]: There is still no word on the Sara front. I have not seen her since friday, but think I will have to "forget" the incident as some have advised. It is better to extend the olive branch and keep and eye on her up close than just assume she is still floating and try not to hit her.

[u]Last[/u]: Jackie called me today. She is having trouble with her current boyfriend. It seems that she also likes another guy and the competition for her affection is kind of intense.

[i]Back story[/i]: Jackie and I dated several times in high school and once during the summer. She is a good girl, if not a bit manic. I could not (would not may be more accurate) tell her I loved her as love may be beyond my emotional capacities. So I broke it off on a sour note and have become friends from that point.

Jackie is at a crossroads were she cannot choose between her current boyfriend and the tasty meat that has caught her eye. I told her to stay with her guy because it would cause less pain and require less effort than hooking up with some other guy. Also I told her that when she does make a choice, she will have to be clear and direct to the "loser" that she cannot be with him. I hope she works it out.

I find that keeping track of all that is going on in my life is like looking up into a clear night sky. If I keep my eye on one star for long enough I miss what is going on in the rest of the sky. Should I look away I may never find that star again in the ocean of light. If I happen to find it, I may not even recognize it for the same star.

A wise man (I forget who) once said that keeping your eyes on the sky makes you lose perspective on what is going on around you.

Let’s hope I don't walk into a tree or something.
8)

Heroes are Made

01.18.04 (12:51 am) [edit]

Today was an escape from last week's debauchery. I feel pretty good about how it went. The day started early with a good bit of exercise. I went with a friend (Jee) and was put through the rigors of his routine. If I keep this sort of thing up I will be a beefy manly man in no time *FLEX*.

Jee also had an anime preview today. He showed a lot of cool stuff that I want to check. I really want to see Escaflowne. I do not even feel bad saying it. For those to make fun of me for liking the show, they must first have seen enough of the show to be accurate judges. All others do no know what they are talking about (SHUT DOWN!). 8)

I took a long nap today. I am getting a little nervous that Ace's sloth-like habits may be rubbing off on me. I am actually a little concerned about my relations with Ace. I find that I am more and more frustrated with the way he acts and his illogical manor of thinking. I have no right to judge, and yet this is what I am doing. I will have to adjust my attitude as it is becoming a bit to aggressive.

Yesterday I spent some time with Abi. She seems pretty cool. Very nice to talk to. Easy going. She works at Wendy's.

[u]Back Story[/u]: I used to work at Wendy's and it sucked a whole lot of A**. I hated the job and most of the people that worked there. I am so glad that I do not have to be a part of an entry level work force anymore.

I can see why Ace would be attracted to her. Kudos to him. Too bad for him that she has a boy friend. Given Ace's current lifestyle; it may also be a godsend for her.
Jee also spilled to Dikis about operation ABA.

[u]More Back Story[/u]: Dikis would be Abi's best friend and operation ABA is short for operation Ace Bang Abi.

I am even a little ashamed to say that I gave Ace some encouragement. While it wasn't the serious sort of "GO STICK IT TO HER GOOD!" sort of thing that would have been bad advise, it was a joking sort of push that I think may have been a mistake. I don't know how serious about the plan Ace was, but now that Dikis has been informed twice (Bobo also told him last week) I doubt Abi will trust him. This is all based on the assumption that Dikis actually tells Abi.

[u]In other news[/u]: For a while now I have wanted to be a hero (I also want a castle :lol:).

[image]madhatter_10332358 55.jpg[/image]

Alucard here is a hero of massively impressive proportion. He also has his evil points (like eating people and stuff). There is something about being able to save someone else’s life that I find fascinating. In all honesty I think I would like to save the damsel in distress from some horrible peril. Alucard is pretty good at saving people, but is also prone to killing a lot of people/ghouls/vampires/an ything else when his master tells him too.

Q. What makes a hero a hero?

Not in so much an attempt to become a hero as much as it is an attempt to live by the values (morals if you prefer) that make me happy with myself, I'm coming up with a list.

These are the things I respect in others and so must adhere to as principals:

1. [i]Honesty[/i]: My father used to tell me that honor is being who you say you are. I do not enjoy being lied to, and do not enjoy lying to others unless it is [i]necessary[/i]. Necessary would be defined as causing more pain than good.

2. [i]I hate Hypocrisy[/i]: In a way this is really an extension of honesty. I do not like people who say one thing and then act in the opposite. This is lacking the bravery of your convictions or just being a flat out liar.

3. [i]Courage[/i]: This is an attribute that we only get to practice on occasion, which is why it is more important. Being able to do what [i]needs[/i] to be done while you are afraid is something I definitely respect. Need would be defined only by the person acting.

4. [i]Respect[/i]: This may be the most important one. This quality is a relative proxy to all the others by my own rules. Being able to respect someone means, to me, that you treat them the way you want to be treated. This would be the golden rule in action. Anything less is unfair.

I don't really have anything else to add to the list right now. I would like to thank songbird for commenting about morals on my blog. Her comments were a contributer to the ideals mentioned.

Also: I've been think as of late (late being the time span from puberty to now) that I need a girlfriend. This is something I want to discuss at a later date, but my time is quickly eroding.

Last: I don't think there is much more to be said with the time given to me. I still have not decided what I shall do about Sara. To err is human but to forgive is divine or some crap like that. I will have to think on it more. Today I am going to sleep with a smile on my face. No song in my heart, but I have not heard any good music lately.

Let's hope life doesn't through me anymore curves for a couple of min.

A Brighter Day

01.16.04 (10:14 pm) [edit]

The day has come and gone and I feel like I have gained more than I have lost. Better than the last. My sleeps was solid and long lived. I had a rousing Electrical Engineering class in which I actually understood what was going on (GO ME!). I deposited some cash from the old grandparents into the bank. They are saving my ass without even knowing it.

Note to Self: Thank grand parents.

Lunch went well with only one conversation about Bobo. Seems that Ace has taken it upon himself to tell Bobo that Saker hates him. Ace even told him that Saker hated him from "the bottom of his little black heart." Wish I could tell you why Ace would do something like that... but I cannot.

I'm not sure how Bobo is taking the news. At first I believed that it had bounced off of him, much like a bouncy ball off of a car made of nerf. Now I suspect that the nerf is wet, and some damage has been done. I'm hoping the situation will not turn volatile... but if it does I guess that could be a show worth watching. Lord knows I love my drama. :wink:

The day only had a single interruption of notable consequence. My cousin, Sara, approached me today seeking judgment for her past actions.

Back story: Sara is my cousin through the marriage of my father and her aunt. We are not blood related, but do spend some time chillin'. Within the last couple of years she started dating one of my friends (Tony). While this disturbed me a little at first I quickly got over it and handed down my blessings. Unfortunately all good things do seem to come to and end. Sara cheated on him. She did some shit with a guy named Anthony (not the same Tony), got drugged out on absinth and then went to an S&M club with him. At the club she was stripped to her skivvies and spanked on stage. When Anthony was not satisfied with the spanking he preceded to hand the job over the leading dominatrix. This compiled with some lying on Anthony's part lead to the breakup of Tony and Sara. Sara even did the breaking up. Sara seemed sorry at first... but later began to spend more time with Anthony.

All of these things happened before winter break. Now the break is over and Sara stands before me in the waste of her own decisions. I understand why Tony is mad, and why Sara should feel ashamed for what she has done to him, but this leaves me in a weird place. Sara did nothing to me. What she does or doesn't do with Anthony really shouldn't be any of my business. So why is it that I should pass a negative judgment on her? At the same time she has demonstrated that she cannot be trusted.

I was going to hold off on this until some other point, but she hunted me down today and forced the conversation. I guess now was as good a time as any. I explained that I did not hate her, which I do not. I also told her that I was not even mad at her; perhaps a side affect of my own emotional apathy. I told her that she could not be trusted and that I did not know where we are supposed to go from here. I cannot forgive her, but I'm not even sure that I should be forgiving her anyway.

She looked sad as she spoke to me; attempting to explain why she is now more aware of her decisions. I don't know where this path is going to take me.

In other news: I have lived by a pretty liberal code of wrong and right. Recently I have had more trouble defining what is good and what is bad. I do not believe in god, and as such, do not believe in eternal damnation. So what is right and wrong? Good, as defined by utilitarianism, is pleasure with the absence of pain. Bad would be the opposite: pain with a lack of pleasure. These certainly are factors in my actions. I desire pleasure (not necessarily the sexual kind) and wish to avoid pain. I have no reason to help others so long as I can get along. At the same time any help I give to others may as well be a waste if it doesn't result in any good for me. So why should I do anything good for anyone else ever? The only thing that really seems to piss me of is hypocrisy. I will not stand a person who says something but does not have the courage to follow through. I really cannot even give a reason for why this is wrong. Hypocrisy is no more wrong or right because I say it is.

Even if there was a god and he told me that I must do something because it is right; would his desire for me to do it make it the right thing? I think Plato said something like it should be the right thing that makes his desire for you to do it. SO WHY? :( Why the hell is it right? Because someone bigger and stronger than me says it is? Because someone who can send me to hell has decreed that all who do not do it his way shall burn? :evil:

Last: So here is where I stand. I have no basis or right to judge anything according to my own definitions (unless I take on the thought that my actions should benefit me). What the hell do I say the next time Sara chases me down? I stand at a road that forks in many directions. I can see no path for more than 5 yards, and do not know if any one will get me home.

Anyone have a fucking map?

Sleeping Awake

01.15.04 (9:23 pm) [edit]

"Do you see what I see? Can you hear I hear? Do you feel like I feel? Can you dream like I dream...?”

-P.O.D., Sleeping awake

I feel the song deserves to be quoted for several reasons:

1. P.O.D. is good stuff. They don't claim to be Christian (good for them?) but they speak to me with a lot of... loud instruments. :P GOOD STUFF!

2. The song seems to be talking about relative sentience between humans and other humans/robots. I would suspect robots because the song was part of the [i]Matrix: Revolutions[/i] sound track.

3. The last couple of nights I have been sleeping in shifts of 84 min or so. I've had two nights of rolling in bed. I wish I knew why (too much sugar?).

In other news: I still have not sent in my citation fee for causing that auto accident. Even I know that it isn't smart to become a convict over 100 dollars... but to surrender the cash means that I surrender my right to a trial and all that stuff I take for granted. BLEH! That sucks. I guess I will do it... so I don't become some large mans handoff for boots.

The JCON showing is tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. I need to get my anime fix going on before I choke from withdrawal and end up watching Sailor Moon or some thing else my friends will make fun of me over.

Also. I heard the origin story off my friends Saker and Ashley. The story is an origin in that it is the tale of how their girlfriend/boyfriend status came to be. As a recall the story, it was really just a whole lot of coincidence with the right amount of aggressive behavior. For some reason I feel as though that makes them in some way special. I looked at them before in a common sort of way... as if they were two people that I know for now, might know later, and if not I might remember. They seem like cold words, but I find it is part of the Rhythm of life (I'll explain it to you another time). Now I feel as if I am watching something important for some reason. I do not think that there is fate or some other divine providence... but I want to keep my eyes on them now (Not like a stalker :twisted: ) for fear that I may blink and miss something special.

Q. Was that an actual emotion I just had? I cannot be having the crap going on now.

During lunch today I had a conversation with some friends. One (Saker) claimed that he hated Bobo. The other (Chris) claimed that Bobo had redeeming qualities and to say that you hate a person is to say that you hate all of him and would do nothing for him if you found his body by the side of the road. Saker eventually agreed that he did not wish Bobo any ill will but just did not like his personality. Basically Saker and Chris had different words for the same emotion. This got me thinking. I am a very repressed or detatched person. I have very little knowledge of what emotion is going on at what time. This is not to say that I don't know when I am happy, or when I am sad. Only that the deeper currents flow without my knowledge. There have been points in my life where I felt no compassion for family and would not mind if they died. Even now I only like certain pieces of my family (that may be a normal thing though). As a matter of fact I used to have trouble hugging people. Until recently I even thought that the feelings were something I would be better living without. Who needs to feel love? Now I find that I may have made a disgustingly large error.

Q. Should I gap the distance between me and my emotions?

Sometimes not feeling anything is fine with me. I have the simple pleasures of games and the company of friends... but sometimes the real pain comes from not being able to feel anything. Ironically, I feel sorrow for my own emptiness. Something I am not sure is possible. I've only had a few relationships with serious potential, but every time I have been the one to back out due to fear. I don't fear the woman, nor do I fear what could happen. I fear the feelings that she holds towards me. I don't want to ever tell a girl a love her until I am sure I do. Thus far I am not, and have never been, convinced that I felt love. I don't tell my own family I love them because of this creed.

I guess I have unloaded a large pile of emotional crap. Sorry to all of my readers (I love both of you). Any answers or suggestions short of therapy would be appreciated. I think his may be something I need to focus more time on. I spend too much time in the noise of company (perhaps purposely) joking.

Also: I still have no news on Ilya's situation with his fallen girlfriend. I wish him well and hope he returns soon.

I think Gina and I are getting along a lot better. I've been spitting out a lot of passive - aggressive jokes in her direction that need to stop. While I haven't actually joked while she is around (this would cut the lines of communication) I have been an asshole to her and others. I need to calm down. 8)

Last: Sometimes I look around and feel as though I have missed something. I feel as if I have slept for too long and the party is gone. I don't know why I am bathed in the pity, and I'm afraid that I may come to like it. Perhaps I focus on it so much because I already do love it? Sorry guys. I guess this is a sadder blog than you deserve. Promise it will be better next time.

" I am barely breathing, and I can't find the air..."

-Duncan Shiek

What the Hell is up with Egoism?

01.13.04 (7:43 pm) [edit]

Last night I had a great sleep. From midnight to about eight in the morning I was blessed with a solid block of R.E.M with absolutely no interruptions. To everyone that is not getting enough sleep, I wish you better luck tonight.

Philosophy class progressed slowly as we discussed Utilitarianism. This is the belief that the correct action is the action that creates the most pleasure for the most sentient life. Not a bad theory if you have to choose one to live by. I think there is also something to Egoism (The belief that people are all selfish or self motivated). I find that there are very few acts that I commit for only other people. All the things I do seem to be mostly for myself.

This causes me to have issues with the topic. I have spent a lot of my time trying to become what I would call an honorable person where honor is defined as being who you say you are/doing what you say you will do. Don't ask me why I want to achieve such a goal. In the end it will probably cause me more grief than good. Maybe my parents weaned me on tales of King Arthur when I was very young?

Now I find that the virtues I strive for may very well be corrupted by my own selfish designs. I want to be honorable... but only because that would make me happy. Approaching life from a more unseemly way would cause me unhappiness. If I was more motivated to deceive my friends would I choose to do that instead?

Q. If I had the power to become invisible would I abuse it? What reason would I have not to abuse the power?

So now I am tempted to say that being selfish may not be so bad... so long as others are not harmed by it. Philosophy makes my head spin. :?

In other news: I had a pretty good lunch with the JCON crew. For those of you who do no know, Japanese Connection (or JCON) is a club based at Ohio University that promotes anime, video games, and other forms of Asian art. Put into laymen's terms it is a club where we outcasts and lovers of dorky things come together and use our combined resources to get all sort of strange stuff. It's actually a pretty good time.

I owe JCON a debt for the friends I now have today. Speaking of which, I think I may want to run for Vice President of the club or some other position of power. How better to exert my power over others of my own kind than to become a figure head in something they love!!! :twisted:

In actuality I would like to become better involved with the club. At this point I would settle for secretary. My only problem is that I don't know a lot about what goes on behind the scenes. I don't understand the politics involved in running the club. Because this is the case, I think I will have to approach the club president for assistance.

Also: Sooner or later club elections are going to come up and we will have to decide on a new president. One member, the current Vice President, has decided to run. On the one hand Bobo (his chosen nick name) may have experience in club matters and is showing initiative by learning the ropes from the current president. On the other hand Bobo seems to have a bad persona when it comes to the public. When not in the JCON club he seems repressed and isolated. When in the group he seems hyper active. On occasion his hyperactivity borders sexist or racist remarks.

I would like to make this clear. Bobo is not racist or sexist as far as I know. I am a minority and he treats me as he treats everyone else. Unfortunately Bobo will do what he believes will make the public laugh.

So here is my dilemma: Should I vote for Bobo hoping that he will be mellow when it comes to his duties as president or should I count on another for my vote? I'm kind of hoping that he will show some improvement or in some other way allay me fears that his presidency will turn out badly.

Last words of the day: Gina and I seem to be getting along better, which really means that she has decided I am good enough for direct eye contact. I'm still not sure what has caused her feelings of aggression, but I've gotten past the point where I am worried about it. Now I am more hoping that it will just end. She speaks to me everyone in a while, and doesn't walk away when I get within five feet of her. Things may be looking up for this week... but after the last I don't think they could get much worse...

KNOCK ON WOOD.

Anyway. Wish me luck.

Of Men and Women

01.12.04 (8:35 pm) [edit]

Today started interestingly enough. I have a 9:00 a.m. philosophy class. Beginning the day with mind stimulating reasons for why humans behave only for themselves turns me on in a way that is probably illegal in some states. Still. It poses a good question. Is egoism (the idea that humans only act for there own benefit) true? If any of my 1 readers would like to comment I would appreciate.

In other news I am once again puzzled by love and what it does to people. One of my friends, Ace as he prefers to be called, has fallen for a girl. The girl is pretty, polite, and even smells nice... which is probably why she has a boyfriend already. :shock: He was crushed when he received the news. In response to this threat to his happiness, he decided that he would plot against Abi (the girl) and her significant other so that he would become her boyfriend. He even went so far as to try and befriend Abi's gay best friend. I think you can guess where that may be going. :wink: Anyway. Now he has decided that she is not worth his time and has accused her of lying to him and other such things.

Q. Why do people do stupid things?

[image]madhatter_58611401 9.jpg[/image]

This is my former friend Christine. I met her a while ago while I was in high. To make a long story short she dated my best friend, fucked him, than he fucked around. He came back, than fucked around again... and again... and again... and probably still does it to her. There has also been a lot of emotional abuse in between. Now most women wouldn't put up with this shit and would dump him. She has decided that it would be better to just wait for when he calms down and be for him when he needs her... or something like that. At last count they had broken up 14 times. Why would a woman as smart and beautiful as her do something so... stupid?

I want you to note that I have a detached sort of skepticism about life and it's moral laws. Usually I am not so harsh on people, but this one really urks me.

Q. Why do people do stupid things for love?

To other business: Today I continued my trials in calculus. The teacher, who seems to be from Russia or some other place where English is hated, has spent the last week screwing us for future math courses. He doesn't understand us when we ask questions, and spends the entire class reading the text from the book... which we don't understand. While I know this sounds like bitching, I have spent a larger portion of my life trying to learn calculus on my own this last weed than I like to think about. Today there was a break in things. He actually taught us stuff. On top of that: we even understood some of what he was teaching. I feel that this class may actually be possible with the assistance of some outside tutoring and a couples hours good studying.

My friend Elyse moved back home last saturday.

[image]madhatter_97182517 9.jpg[/image]

She decided that home was too far away and that she did not like the time that she spent here. That is a pity. Most people enjoy the Ohio University campus life... although most people also binge on the weekends. Oh well, c'est la vie. She will be missed.

One last thing to note. My friend Ily's girlfriend passed away saturday night/sunday morning and I would just like to dedicate the journal to him. Death touches us all at one point or another. I'm sorry he had to experience the loss so early in his life.

My Car+ His Truck = I lose....

01.11.04 (7:10 pm) [edit]

1. I guess here is the start of things to come. For those interested this is a place where you will get to know me. Perhaps I will even get to know a few of you.

That is fine with me. I wish I could say that I have started this blog for the sole purpose of expressing myself. A small circle of my friends have gathered together and started a community of online journals. While I do want to be part of the mayhem, I don't think I will let them know about this blog.

How can they speak honestly about each other if they know the others will be reading what they write? They probably cannot. So I guess this will be my private place. My prive place viewable to everyone on the interenet. I guess I will be sheltered by the anonymity of all those that do see this. My theory is that I won't have to blush if I can't see you.

2. Above you might have noticed that my mathematics now involves automobiles and my self esteem. Earlier this week I was drafted by my father to help my step grandmother move out of his house and into her new apartment. While I was moving some things from one house into the other in my father’s car I was hit from the side by a pickup.
:cry:

I looked both ways and then proceeded into traffic and I was nailed from the passenger side with the front of his truck. I wish I could tell you what happened. I didn't see him plain and simple. To allay your fears I will inform you all that neither I nor my passenger were hurt. The only thing I did right today is insist that he buckle his seat belt. This is also the only point I have that makes me feel better about myself. Have you ever felt so stupid that you wish you had been injured just to validate yourself?

I feel worse knowing that my passenger, a good friend of mine, could have been horribly injured if not for the high standards that Saturn has put in place for its vehicles. I cannot believe his door didn't cave in. Saturn will receive a very nice letter from me at the very least and I'll probably be buying them for my kids some day. Even without hurting him I wish that I could take his place in that car and take the hit for him.

I can also compound my own self pity by realizing that was my parent only working car... and that it was liability only. It will be an expensive month for the family.

My friends have been supportive, as has my family. Looking back, I haven’t been yelled at or lectured once by anyone. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. :lol:

3. Now it is time for my wallowing to end. I feel better knowing that I have fully expressed myself in front of all 1-3 of my readers. Perhaps in the next action packed installment I will be able to inform you of my adventures with JCON and my continuing struggles with philosophy class. I guess our fun begins here.

“And so it begins…” -Kash